7.30 am. I’d slept in!
Which meant I only had a few minutes to catch up on emails and bits and pieces before starting our day.
*scroll. Scroll. Scroll* and then it hit me right in the gut.
3 years ago today, we’d gone on a family outing to a garden centre with my mum to meet my Northern Auntie and Uncle…we had a blast, and mum had uploaded a photo of Mr Plinky and I having a jolly good time playing crazy golf… Simple enough, right? Nope.
See, what no one knows is that in that picture I was actually pregnant. We’d not told anyone, mainly because we were in such denial about it as we only found out a couple of days beforehand… But it was our little secret. Well, I told one of my closest Plymouth girls (who we’d met during our Exeter IVF cycle) because I needed to tell someone who would understand my mix of excitement, confusion and worry, and she turned out to be the most perfect one to tell because through out this whole time she was a huge support. But no one else knew.
We’d got caught out in what’s known as the fertility window after having Boe, even though I had suffered for all these years with infertility and we were thrown into this new world just 3 months after his birth!
We’d had the contraception talk with the nurse at my doctors, as most do at their first major appointment, but we’d come to the decision that we didn’t need anything. Why would we? I’ve been infertile for over 25 years so the thought of putting un-natural chemicals in my body for no reason just seemed pointless to me, especially when you add in the side effects.
Well, clearly Boe did something whilst he was in there, because falling pregnant NATURALLY just wasn’t expected!
It wasn’t to be though, as sadly we miscarried just a few days after the photos were taken.
We knew we were pregnant for less than a week, but the feeling of loss and grief were huge.
I was heartbroken and so very angry with the world. I’d been put on a certain path for the whole of my life, and then given a massive surprise, then pretty much had it snatched away instantly and life had never felt so cruel.
We kept this miscarriage to ourselves for a very long time, because of how much anger and heartbreak it gave us, and this is probably the first time of going public with it, although I know I’d hinted at it happening when we suffered another miscarriage last year.
But it just didn’t feel right to be open with it like I am with most parts of our journey… Plus, what would people think when they found out that after all this time talking about my infertility and struggles, if I turned round and said “hey, so we CAN conceive naturally after all”? Those who didn’t take time to listen to how and why would just think I’m even more insane than what I actually am or even a huge liar ? I guess in some ways it also made me feel like a massive fraud!
But in keeping it to ourselves, compared to how open I am with everything else, kind of made it feel like it didn’t matter, like this pregnancy wasn’t as important as other things we went through, like losing our Exeter pips…. Which I know is just a massive figment of my imagination, as is most things that go through my head….
Because it DID matter, it WAS important and it still IS painful to remember.
We might be a one and done family, but it doesn’t mean that this loss just didn’t cut us deep…. It was still our second miracle…. It was still our secret surprise.
It was still our 6th twinkle in the sky✨
This was our life now…. If only we knew where it was going to lead us….
Im at peace with it now, obviously. Self care and meditation has helped me come a long way from hating so many parts of my life and myself, and this was one of the things I was able to eventually let go of, and all the bitterness that came along with it…. But sometimes when I remember our journey, or when memories pop up, it knocks me sideways.
And that’s OK 🙂
Till the next time,
Plinky xx
