As I lay awake in bed a couple of nights ago yet again trying and failing to get to sleep, I started to plan the next day and what Boe and I were going to do with our day.
I decided that if the weather was nice, we’d head to the park.
Simple enough, right? It was only a short walk away from our house…..
But then it started again….. the insane thoughts.
This is how it went in my head….. Boe and I were toddling off down the road, the birds were chirping away in the trees, which Boe thought was funny, as usual. It was a lovely, happy morning. We’d come to the first road to cross. Which is pretty much a blind corner and we could easily get knocked down if someone was to be driving stupidly – which sometimes they do. Which obviously happened in my head. I was dead, Boe was screaming, and I had nothing on me for ID purposes (I only take my phone and our bottles of water) for anyone to get hold of Mr Plinky, or to actually know who we were. Then came the struggle to breathe, the tightness of chest, sweats and the usual panic attack.
Thankfully Mr Plinky was downstairs working, so I was able to message him and he came up to calm me down, and it was then that we really spoke about me having a problem….
The weekend before, I’d gone to have my acupuncture appointment, and I was having my relaxing time whilst the needles did their work and all was calm…. until it entered my head that Mr Plinky and Boe had to cross a busy road to get to where they were going to go for a walk while I had my treatment. In my head, all hell broke lose and the only thing that was saving my sanity was that I’d not heard any sirens, so obviously nothing had happened…. but that didn’t make the thoughts and worry vanish instantly.
So during our little chat, we realised that these things have been happening at an insane level ever since Boe was born. And when I say insane, I mean multiple times a day. About every. Little. Thing. Things that normally wouldn’t be given a second thought. And it starts the second Mr Plinky has to leave for work 🙁 and even him leaving sends me into a meltdown.
Sometimes there’s “reasons” for them, like if we went into the back garden he might trip and fall on our very tiny white plastic fence that goes around our flower bed and end up empaled. But other times there’s no real reason to panic – what is the worst thing that could REALLY happen if we walked to the end of the road and back? There is none, yet in my head a panic button goes off and I just can’t face leaving the house, which means Boe and I hardly go out unless it’s the weekend or if I REALLY force myself to power through a morning full of attacks and worries to walk half hour to playgroup one afternoon a week, and then back again.
I panic over making anything decent for dinner…. it needs a pan? Well the pan might fall off the hob and land on Boe and burn him from head to toe, and he’s too big to fit in the sink to keep a constant flow of water on him until the ambulance arrives…. in a split second a normal thought becomes this huge life or death situation, for absolutely no real reason.
Mr Plinky comes in to all my doctors and hospital appointments and I hate the thought of going in alone… I hate the thought of going anywhere on my own, or with Boe, and it fills me with dread and panic even if I’m just thinking about it :/ I’ve had to come off Facebook because all the bad news constantly gets embedded in my head, and I worry about everything, yet there’s no specific reason for me to be feeling that way….. It’s like everything start off all “Disney”, then within 2 seconds they turn “Tarantino” :/
We had a look on Dr Google and found a few links about Postnatal Generalised Anxiety Disorder and it put into words everything that was floating around my head and made me realise that I’m not just being a dramatic dimwit, but it’s just another stage of the anxiety I had before having Boe, and that Postnatal GAD really does exist and is actually pretty common.
I’ve since then joined Anxiety UK as a member, which gets me so much help – help which I’d been begging my GP and health vistor to get me, but they just ignored how bad things really were. I’m, now using the Headspace app every morning and evening, and will be looking into taking advantage of the discounted therapy which they offer. (I don’t earn any money from talking about them, I’ve just found them to be very useful and finding them whilst reaching breaking point has been such a relief!)
It’s going to be a long road to get better, and we’re tweaking family life to help ride the storm (we’re currently finalising our new “anxiety free” kitchen, and Boe’s kitchen helper has just arrived so he won’t get under my feet whilst I’m cooking), but I know, eventually, it’ll sort itself out.
There’s not really much point to this post, apart from me sharing a part of my life with those who are interested, and being open in what struggles I and many others face.
Have you had Postnatal GAD, or GAD in general? If so, what helped you manage?
Sending hugs to all who need it…. thank you for reading
Plinky xx